Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
