I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Will exercising make me less horny?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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