Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
