It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
