i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
