so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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