Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
A bitchslap is in order.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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