Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
