sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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