my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
