She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
