So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
