i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
