GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
