I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
