T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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