I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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