she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
