If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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