What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
