I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
