I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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