there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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