if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
