I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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