god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Randomize
