Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
