I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
