My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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