shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
