a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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