i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
