i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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