I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
