Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
