I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
