allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
