After last night, I could never be a politician.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
if only i could text you this smell
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Im part way to drunk.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
