oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We talked him into tasing himself.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
