You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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