I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
