he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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