I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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