Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
