O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
