Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
