and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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