Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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