shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
