watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
